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Better red than Ted

August 14th, 2012, 8:29 pm

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Reply nazistoner, August 14th, 2012, 8:33 pm

And now a Nazi and Stoner web exclusive! Our commentary might be a little late considering we are now three shoot-em-ups past Aurora. Or is it still too soon to joke about it?

My co-writer supplied the script, but I supplied the part where Ted gets shot. I thought of putting the Nazi and Stoner in virtual reality goggles to make it clear they were just virtually killing Ted, but what the heck, it's a cartoon. So there it is for the record, dear readers. (There must be one or two of you out there, and chances are you're mentally unbalanced.) Don't shoot Ted. Don't shoot anyone.

If Ted and I ever turn up at the same coordinates, I'd follow the wisdom of Joe Walsh (no, not Joe Walsh the one-term wonder congressman, Joe Walsh the venerable rock star) and avoid the subject of politics. I would, however, like to ask about Stranglehold, one of my all-time favorite songs, at least for the music. I can handle the lyrics about stalking a girl who flees him, roughing her up and burning her house down. It's from the '70s. But what's the story on this part?

Sometimes you gotta get higher
And sometimes you gotta start low
Some people think they gonna die someday
I got news you never got to go

"You never got to go?" Does he hold the secret to immortality? What is it? WHAT IS IT?? (If it's red meat, never mind.)

My co-writer, of course, would have a lot more to talk about, as evidenced by his essay below:

I wanted to do this strip to challenge the statements of people such as Rep. Louis Gohmert and Ted Nugent, but as you will learn in a moment, especially Mr. Nugent. I, like many, grew up listening to some of Ted's music. As far as rock 'n roll is concerned, Ted is a true Hall of Famer - songs like "Stranglehold" and "Cat Scratch Fever" are examples of great rock music. When Ted is opening his mouth, yet not singing, the results are far poorer. He constantly shows, at minimum, a degree of ignorance that borders on the sublime, while at worst, he borders on megalomania and dementia. But what stands out most is his constant promotion of guns and violence, including war - in spite of the fact that he actively avoided military service in Vietnam. And here is how he did it, in his own words, in an excerpt from a 1977 issue of High Times magazine (John Lydon aka Johnny Rotten was on the cover):

"Ted was a young boy, appearing to be a hippie but quite opposite in fact, working hard and playing hard, playing rock and roll like a deviant. People would question my sanity, I played so much. So I got my notice to be in the draft. Do you think I was gonna lay down my guitar and go play army? Give me a break! I was busy doin' it to it. I had a career Jack. If I was walkin' around, hippying down, getting' loaded and pickin' my ass like your common curs, I'd say "Hey yeah, go in the army. Beats the poop out of scuffin' around in the gutters." But I wasn't a gutter dog. I was a hard workin', motherfuckin' rock and roll musician.
I got my physical notice 30 days prior to. Well, on that day I ceased cleansing my body. No more brushing my teeth, no more washing my hair, no baths, no soap, no water. Thirty days of debris build. I stopped shavin' and I was 18, had a little scraggly beard, really looked like a hippie. I had long hair, and it started gettin' kinky, matted up. Then two weeks before, I stopped eating any food with nutritional value. I just had chips, Pepsi, beer-stuff I never touched-buttered poop, little jars of Polish sausages, and I'd drink the syrup, I was this side of death, Then a week before, I stopped going to the bathroom. I did it in my pants. poop, piss the whole shot. My pants got crusted up.
See, I approached the whole thing like, Ted Nugent, cool hard-workin' dude, is gonna wreak havoc on these imbeciles in the armed forces. I'm gonna play their own game, and I'm gonna destroy 'em. Now my whole body is crusted in poop and piss. I was ill. And three or four days before, I started stayin' awake. I was close to death, but I was in control. I was extremely antidrug as I've always been, but I snorted some crystal methedrine. Talk about one wounded mother*****. A guy put up four lines, and it was for all four of us, but I didn't know and I'm vacuuming that poop right up. I was a walking, talking hunk of human poop. I was six-foot-three of sin. So the guys took me down to the physical, and my nerves, my emotions were distraught. I was not a good person. I was wounded. But as painful and nauseous as it was -- 'cause I was really into bein' clean and on the ball -- I made gutter swine hippies look like football players. I was deviano.
So I went in, and those guys in uniform couldn't believe the smell. They were ridiculin' me and pushin' me around and I was cryin', but all the time I was laughin' to myself. When they stuck the needle in my arm for the blood test I passed out, and when I came to they were kicking me into the wall. Then they made everybody take off their pants, and I did, and this sergeant says, "Oh my God, put those back on! You *****' swine you!" Then they had a urine test and I couldn't piss, But my poop was just like ooze, man, so I poop in the cup and put it on the counter. I had poop on my hand and my arm. The guy almost puked. I was so proud. I knew I had these chumps beat. The last thing I remember was wakin' up in the ear test booth and they were sweepin' up. So I went home and cleaned up.
They took a putty knife to me. I got the street rats out of my hair, ate some good steaks, beans, potatoes, cottage cheese, milk. A couple of days and I was ready to kick ass. And in the mail I got this big juicy 4-F. They'd call dead people before they'd call my ass. But you know the funny thing about it? I'd make an incredible army man. I'd be a colonel before you knew what hit you, and I'd have the baddest bunch of motherfuckin' killers you'd ever seen in my platoon. But I just wasn't into it. I was too busy doin' my own thing, you know?"

This is your true red-white-and-blue-blooded American, ladies and gentlemen. He'll take up arms against deer and elk, but it's too much of a bother for him to fight for his country. It's an inconvenience for him, never mind that dying or being wounded or disabled was a far greater inconvenience to those who DID serve.
But it should speak volumes about his comments regarding Aurora in recent days. You see, if he'd had any sort of legitimate combat training, he would understand the difficulties involved in the situation in Aurora. A darkened theater, filled with smoke or tear gas, with frightened people running about? Those are situations even standard soldiers would be unlikely to contend with, because of those difficulties. The military would send a specially trained team, maybe something similar to a Seal team, to handle such matters, while civilian authorities would use SWAT teams... both highly trained and equipped to deal with more complex scenarios, such as the one in Aurora. Had someone been armed in that theater and chosen to respond, you would have seen more deaths and injuries, not fewer - and there's no guarantee that the civilian responder would get the gunman, who already has the element of surprise and control in the situation, before the gunman got him/her.

I was born and raised in West Virginia, where guns are a part of life. I was taught at a young age to respect the power of a weapon, how to handle it so I was not a hazard to others around me. While I wasn't a big hunter like my father, I did eventually wind up spending a couple years serving my country in the Army, though I can't say my service was particularly distinguished. First and foremost, you get the mindset that you never point a weapon at something unless you mean to shoot it. More to the point, target acquisition is key. In West Virginia, gun control is called "aiming". In the Aurora scenario, our "Joker" has all the advantages, including a rather good suit of body armor. He can aim, or not aim, as he has no particular target to go for, but rather a gallery of targets to choose from. The civilian respondents, on the other hand, have to first figure out who the gunman is, and then attempt to aim to shoot him, and do so in an area he's more lightly armored. In a darkened theater. With smoke or tear gas in the air. With frightened movie patrons running madly in all directions. Really? Good luck with that, Ted.

I will personally go so far as to challenge Mr. Nugent to prove his point. Let's see if we can set up our own simulation, with a theater filled with patrons, yet only a few (randomly chosen) patrons are armed. I don't have any money to back up my bet, but then again, money isn't the point. The point is getting beyond the bullshit that gets flung around when gun advocates feel threatened that their guns will be taken from them, when all others just want to be able to go to a movie without the threat of gunfire. The point is starting to put laws in place that finally take more dangerous weapons off the common market. Mr. Nugent actually tried to say that the AR-15 (one of the weapons recovered from the Aurora shootings) was nothing more than a sport rifle... which is complete bullshit! The AR-15 is the civilian version of the M-16, the standard rifle issued to American military forces. The AR-15 is designed to be a single shot weapon, yet with only a few (easily researched and done) modifications, it can have automatic fire capabilities. Which, of course, Ted is going to fail to mention, since it's just another point those "anti-gun nuts" are going to seize on.

So come on, Ted... let's do it! Put your money where your mouth is! Please, prove me wrong!

But we both know the truth, don't we, Ted? You won't do it. Because you're a gutless chickenhawk, but moreso, because in your heart of hearts, you have to know that you are wrong. Dead wrong.

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